Laffs 'n' Stuff...

Now the pictures above show why I stopped riding a sports bike!!

Custom Cowboy Milkmen?

 
Can you spot the difference?
When was Mike Godwin so young?
Or is he an "enfant terrible"?

And now -  the Jokes bit.

Two Women on their way home from a night out.

Two women on their way back from a night out, stop in a graveyard for a pee. One wipes with her knickers, and the other uses a wreath.

Their two husbands were in the pub the next day. One says, "I'd better watch my wife". She came home last night with no knickers on". The other husband says, "that's fu-k all, mine had a card wedged in her arse saying, We'll never forget you. From all the boys at the fire station".

Tickle Me Elmo

A factory in America makes Tickle Me Elmo toys and the toy laughs when you tickle it under the arm.

A new employee is hired and she reports for her first day promptly at 0800.

The next day at 0845 there is a knock at the Personnel manager's door and the foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole assembly line is backing up fast. The Personnel manager decides to see this for himself, so the two men march down to the factory floor.

When they get there the assembly line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor.

At the end of the line is the new employee surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The two men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around the two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches the woman.

"I'm sorry," He says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday".

"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles".

Subject: Birthday.

 A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.

"I'd love to be eight again." she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her off to the local theme park.

What a day! He put her on every ride in the park:
* the Death Slide,
* the Wall of Fear,
* the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster,
* every thing there was.

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her loving husband ordered her a
* a Happy Meal
* with extra fries
* and a refreshing chocolate shake.

Then it was off to the movies:
* the latest Star Wars epic,
* a hot dog,
* popcorn,
* all the Coke she could drink,
* and her favourite lolly and M&M's.
What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, Well, Dear, what was it like being eight again?"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size, you f*****g tw*t"

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it wrong.

Subject: The Sea .

A number of Primary Schools were doing a project on "The Sea". Kids were asked to draw pictures or write about their experiences. Teachers got together to compare the results and put together some of the comments that were funny and some that were sad. Here are some of them. The kids were all aged between 5 and 8 years.

This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)

Whales are animals, not fish. If they don't get air they can drown, like my brother did last summer. (David age 7)

Oysters balls are called pearls. (James age 6)

I don't like the sea. It makes me sick on the ferry. (Peter age 6)

My goldfish died. Why? (Katie age 5)

If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all round you, you are in continent. (Wayne age 7)

I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)

A dolphin breaths through an arsehole on the top of it's head. (Billy age 8)

My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs. (Millie age 6)

When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7)

I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)

I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mum, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)

Some fish are dangerous. Jelly fish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)

My mum has fish nets, but doesn't catch any fish. (Laura age 5)

When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)

When me and Sarah went to the sea side in the summer holidays, we hid in the sand dunes and watched my big sister doing it with her boy friend. It was fun. (Lauren age 7)

A submarine goes under the water like a fish, but it has lots of seamen inside. (Emma age 5)

When I grow up, I want to be captain of a big ship, and have lots of sailors (Valerie age 6)

Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age 8)

On holiday my Mum went water ski-ing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny. (Julie age 7)

Subject: The best comeback line ever.

This was apparently in the Washington Post... the title of the article was "Best Come Back Line Ever."

In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch 11:38 p.m. on Friday.

Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need." "Guess I was really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him.

"That was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said Officer Taylor. "I walked up to Lawrence and he's...just pumping away at this pumpkin."

Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. "I just went up and said, "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?".

He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked me straight in the face and said, "A pumpkin? F*** me, is it midnight already?"

Subject: Why we prefer canines

As seen in a dog's diary:

8am - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favourite!

9am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favourite...

10am - Oh Boy! A walk! My favourite!

11am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favourite!

Noon - Oh Boy! The kids! Yaaay great fun!

1pm - Oh Boy! The yard! My favourite!

3pm - Oh Boy! More kids! Excellent!

4pm - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favourite!

5pm - Oh Boy! Mum! Brilliant!

7pm - Oh Boy! Playing ball! My favourite!

9pm - Oh Boy! Sleeping in master's bed! Yippee!

As seen in a cat's diary:

Day 183 of my captivity...

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal.

The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture.

Tomorrow I may eat another house plant. Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded - must try this at the top of the stairs.

In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favourite chair - must try this on their bed.

Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little Cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan.

There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured.

But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...

Subject: As I Mature

As I Mature I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big willy or huge boobs.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.

I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place!

I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

Pass this along to 5 friends...trust me, they'll appreciate it. Who knows, maybe Something good will happen. If not... tough shit.

Subject: Dinner

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

Inner Peace...

I am passing this on to you because it has definitely worked for me. By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found inner peace.

The article read: "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started."

So I looked around the house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished... and before coming to work this morning I have finished off a bottle of Bacardi, a bottle of red wine, a bottle of Jack Daniel's, my Prozac, a small box of chocolates and 6 Beers, a can of cider and some cheese. Work has been a lot easier today, let me tell you. You have no idea how good I feel. Please pass this on to those you feel are in need of Inner Peace...

"When life hands you lemons - Grab the salt & pass the tequila baby"

An Irish Confession

"Bless me father-- for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And, who was the woman you were with?"
"Sure and I can't be tellin' you Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Patricia Kelly?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Liz Shannon?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Morgan?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church mass for three full months. Be off with you now!"

Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over to his seat and whispers "well...what'd you get?" "Three months vacation and five good leads."

Do it yourself?

A husband is at home watching the football, when his wife interrupts "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now".

He looks at her and says angrily "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have an Eastern Electric logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so !"

"Well then could you fix the fridge door? It won't close properly."

"Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Hotpoint written on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Fine!" she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break."

"Does it look like I've got B & Q written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of this, I'm going to the pub!" So he goes to the pub and drinks until closing time.

When he arrives home, he notices that the steps are fixed, and the light is no longer flickering. He goes to the fridge to get a beer and notices that the fridge door is also fixed. "Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"

"Well" she says, "when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, so I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was bake him a cake OR have sex with him."

"So, what kind of cake did you bake him?", he asked.

She replied: "HELLO!!!... Do you see Mr. Kipling written on my forehead? I don't think so!"

Does the statement, "We've always done it that way" ring any bells?

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches.

That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used?

Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US Railroads.

Why did the English build them like that?

Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why did "they" use that gauge then?

Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?

Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads?

Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads?

Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.

The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. And bureaucracies live forever. So the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's ass came up with it, you may be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman war chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war horses.

Now the twist to the story...

When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel.

The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a Horse's ass.

And you thought being a horse's ass wasn't important?

A mother and her son were flying QANTAS from Perth to Sydney. The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the stewardess.

So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"

The boy said "Yes she did".

"Well then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because QANTAS always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you..."

An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser were sitting in a bar. There was only one other person in the bar. The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar. They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before when suddenly the Irishman cried out : "My God! I know who that man is - it's Jesus!" The others looked again, and sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.

The Irishman calls out across the lounge : "Hey! Hey you! Are you Jesus?" Jesus looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. "Yes, I am Jesus," he says. Well, the Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him: "I'd like you to give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me." The bartender pours Jesus a Guinness. Jesus looks over, raises his glass in thanks and drinks.

Then the Australian calls out : "Oy you! D'ya reckon you're Jesus or what?" Jesus nods and says : "Yes, I am Jesus". The Australian is mighty impressed and has the bartender send over a pot of Fosters for Jesus which Jesus accepts with pleasure.

The Scouser then calls out : "Oi wack, would you be Jesus?" Jesus smiles and says: "Yes, I am Jesus". The Scouser beckons the bartender and tells him to send over a pint of bitter for Jesus, which the bartender duly does. As before, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles over at the table.

Finally, after finishing the drinks, Jesus leaves his seat and approaches our three friends. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: "Oh God! The arthritis is gone! The arthritis I've had for years is gone! It's a miracle !!!"

Jesus then shakes the Australian's hand, thanking him for the lager. Upon letting go, the Australian's eyes widen in shock. "By jingo mate, the migraine! The migraine I've had for 40 years is completely gone - it's a miracle!!!"

Jesus then goes to approach the Scouser who says: "Back off, mate! I'm on Disability allowance !!!"

Mr Honda, of the Honda Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to Heaven for judgement. At the gates, St Peter told Mr Honda "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."
Mr Honda thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God. I have a question for Him.
St Peter took Mr Honda to the Throne Room and introduced him to God, "Aren't you the inventor of women?" he asked.
God said "Ah, yes!"
"Well" said Mr Honda, "Professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention;

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front end protrusion
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust
5. The monthly down time and aggravation are outrageous

And I don't even wanna start talking about the maintenance costs!"
"Hmmmm, you do raise some good points" replied God "hold on".
God went to his celestial super computer, typed in a few things and waited for the results. After a moment god said, "Well it may be true that my invention seems to be flawed, but according to these statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours!"

The Best Chain Email Ever!

Hello, my name is not important, I suffer from the guilt of not forwarding 50 billion f*$#?*g chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them on, a poor 6-year-old girl in Tasmania with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her to a travelling freak show.

Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you, and everyone to whom you send "his" email, $1000? How stupid are we?" Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by every good looking model in the magazine!" What a load of bullsh*t. Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my house and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing a chain that was started by Peter in 5 AD and brought to Australia by midget pilgrims on the First Fleet. The point being? - If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it. If it's funny, send it on. Don't piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth who has been tied to a dead elephant for 27 years and whose only salvation is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive if you forward this email.


Oh, by the way:

NO COMPANY HAS ANY WAY OF TRACKING E-MAIL OUTSIDE THEIR SYSTEM - NO, NOT EVEN MICROSOFT!!! THERE IS NO SUCH TECHNOLOGY YET!!!!! AND IF THERE WERE, IT WOULD PROBABLY BE AGAINST THE LAW TO TRACK IT FOR PRIVACY MATTERS.

Now forward this to everyone you know. Otherwise, tomorrow morning your underwear will turn carnivorous and will consume your genitals.

***ALARMING ALERT - IMPORTANT INFORMATION FOR MEN***

SHOCKING NEWS: THIS JUST IN...

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, party goers and unsuspecting pub regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.

A date rape drug on the market called "beer" is used by many females to target unsuspecting men. The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large "kegs." "Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them.

Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several "beers" men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking "beer" men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that something bad occurred.

At other times, these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage." Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after "beer" is administered and sex is offered by the predatory female.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. However, if you fall victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded victims. For the male support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the Yellow Pages.

A rally joke perhaps?

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip, set up their tent, and went for a drink. When they got back they fell asleep fairly quickly. (as one does)

Several hour's later, Holmes woke his faithful friend.

"Watson" he said," look up at the sky and tell me what you see?"

"I see millions of stars" Watson replied.

"What does that tell you?" Holmes asked.

Watson thought for a while, then said, "Well, Astronomically speaking, it tell's me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billion's of planet's. Astrologically speaking, it tell's me that Saturn is in Leo, and time-wise, it appears to be approximately 3:15am. Theologically speaking, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful, and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically speaking, it seem's we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes is silent for a moment, Then say's,....


"Watson, you idiot! Someone has stolen our tent!" .

Philosophy now!!!

A philosophy professor stood before his class with some items on the table in front of him.
When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, about 2" in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full.

They agreed that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks.
He then asked the students again if the jar was full.

They agreed it was.

The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He then asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous "Yes."
The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the counter and proceeded to pour their entire contents into the jar - effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter - like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff.
"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued "there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life.

If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children.
Take time to get medical checkups.
Take your partner out dancing.
There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal. Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter.
Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented.
The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers."

Subject:  The lisping joke...

A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm.
 
'I'd like to buy a horth' he says to the owner of the farm.
 
'What sort of horse?', said the owner.
 
'A female horth,' the dwarf replies.
 
So the owner shows him a mare.
 
'Nithe horth,' says the dwarf, 'can I thee her eyth?"
 
So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses eyes. 'Nith eyth', says the dwarf, 'can I thee her teeth?'
 
Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth. 'Nith teeth, can I see her eerth?' the dwarf says.
 
By now the owner is getting a little fed up but, once again, the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses ears.
 
'Nith eerth,' he says 'now can I see her twot?'
 
With this the owner picks the dwarf up and shoves his head up the horses vagina. He holds him there for a second before pulling him out and putting him down.
 
The dwarf shakes his head and says 'Perhaps I should weefwaze that. Can I see her wun awound?'

Subject:  Fair weather riding

One Sunday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his bike out of the garage to ride to meet his friends for their customary Sunday morning ride. Coming out of his garage, rain is pouring down --- a torrential downpour.

There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 60 mph, and it is only 38 degrees. He returns to the garage. He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. After a short time, he finds it's going to be bad weather all day long, so he puts his bike back in the garage, quietly undresses and slips back into bed.

There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible,"---to which she sleepily replies, "Can you believe my husband is so stupid he's out riding in that crap?"

Odd Stuff in life...

• If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.)
   

• If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!)
   

• The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.!)
   

• A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
   

• A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.) (I'm still not over the pig.)
   

• Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Do not try this at home...... maybe at work.)
   

• The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. ("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")
   

• The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes... lucky pig... can you imagine??)
   

• The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
   

• Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)
   

• Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.)
   

• The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm........)
   

• Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people. (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
   

• Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (OK, so that would be a good thing....)
   

• A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
   

• An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)
   

• Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that too.)
   

• Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)
   

• Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig??)
  

Subject:  Surgery

After her sixth child, Jane decided that she should have some Cosmetic surgery "down below" to restore herself to her former youthful glory, because her bomb doors were dangling a bit too low and looked like a ripped out fireplace.

Time and childbirth had taken its toll and she reckoned that, with six children now being the limit, she'd tidy things with a nip here and a tuck there so it looked more like a piggy bank slot rather than a badly packed kebab.

Following the operation she awoke from her anesthetic to find three roses at the end of the bed.

"Who are these from?" she asked the nurse, "They're very nice but I'm a bit confused as to why I've received them."

"Well" said the nurse; "The first is from the surgeon - the operation went so well and you were such a model patient that he wanted to say thanks".

"Ahhh, that's really nice" said Jane.

"The second is from your husband - he's delighted the operation was such a success that he can't wait to get you home. Apparently it'll be the first time he's touched the sides for years and he's very excited!"

"Brilliant!" said Jane. "And the third?"

"That's from Eric, a patient in the burns unit," said the nurse. "He just wanted to say thanks for his new ears."

On the lighter side of religion, here are some actual sentences found in church bulletins and newsletters here in the States:

• Don't let worry kill you - let the Church help.

• Thursday night pot luck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

• Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

• For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

• The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

• This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptised at both ends.

• Tuesday at 4pm there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

• Wednesday the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing 'Put Me In My Little Bed' accompanied by the pastor.

• Thursday at 5pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mother's Club. All wishing to become a Little Mother, please see the minister in his private study.

• This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

• The service will end with 'Little Drops Of Water'. One of the ladies will start (quietly) and the rest of the congregation will join in.

• Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. Anyone wishing to do anything on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.

• The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement on Friday.

• A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

• At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What is Hell'? Come early and listen to our choir practice.

• Weight Watchers will meet at 7pm at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double doors at the side entrance.

• The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.

• Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to the Church Secretary.

• Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

• Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

• The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

• Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.

• Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycles. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

• The associate minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday. 'I upped my pledge - up yours!'

Subject: Beer Goggles

How many times have you woken up in the morning after a hard night of drinking and thought 'How did I get home?' As hard as you try, you cannot piece together your return journey from the bar to your home. The answer to this puzzle is that you used a beer scooter.

The beer scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased out to the drunk by Bacchus the Roman God of wine. Bacchus has branched out since the decrease in the worship of the Roman pantheon and bought a large batch of these magical devices. The beer scooter works in the following fashion:

The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness and the "slurring gland" begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus or one of his many subcontractors detects the pheromone and sends down a winged beer scooter. The scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits them in their bedroom via a trans-dimensional portal.

It is not cheap to run a beer scooter franchise, so a large portion of the passenger's in-pocket cash is taken as payment. This generates the second question after a night out: 'How did I spend so much money?'

Beer scooters have a poor safety record and are thought to be responsible for 90% of all UDI (Unidentified Drinking Injuries). An undocumented feature of the beer scooter is the destruction of time segments during the trip. The nature of trans-dimensional portals dictates that time will be lost, seemingly unaccounted for. This generates the third question after a night out 'What happened?' With good intentions, Bacchus opted for the EMIT (Embarrassing Moments In Time) add on, that automatically removes, in descending order, those parts in time regretted most.

Unfortunately one person's EMIT is not necessarily the EMIT of another and quite often lost time is regained over a suitable period. Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles cause the scooter's navigation system to malfunction thus sending the passenger to the wrong bedroom often with horrific consequences.

With recent models including a GPS, Bacchus made an investment in a scooter drive-thru chain specializing in half eaten kebabs and pizza crusts. Another question answered!!

For the family man, beer scooters come equipped with flowers picked from other people's garden and Thump-A-Lot Boots. These boots are designed in such a way that no matter how quietly you tiptoe, you are sure to wake up your other half. Special antigravity springs ensure that you bump into every wall and the CTSGS (Coffee Table Seeking Guidance System) explains the ring barked shins.

The final add-in Bacchus saw fit to invest in for some scooters is TAS (Tobacco Absorption System). This explains how one person can apparently get through 260 Marlboro Lights in a single night.

PS: Don't forget the onboard heater which allows you to get home from the bar in subzero temperatures wearing just a T-shirt.

Subject: Wedding

A couple in their 60's were celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary.

As a present they were granted one wish each by a fairy. The wife thought about it for a while & then wished she could get away from all the stresses and strains of her mundane life. With a wave of the fairy's wand she was whisked away to a desert island surrounded by gorgeous guys ready to obey her every command.

Her husband, a little disgruntled with this situation, thought hard and then wished for a partner 30 years younger than him &, with another wave of the fairy's wand, he was turned into a 90 year old!

Subject: Nice ears !!

A young Internet entrepreneur named Ryan leased an apartment and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. Poor Ryan broke out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

Flustered and embarrassed, Ryan finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears!"

Astounded and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day! My butt is firm and solid! Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere! How can you feel that the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, Ryan stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming... That was me!"

Subject: Toasting the night away

A good Irish man, John O'Reilly, met regularly with his toastmasters club.
One evening they were hitting the Guinness Stout and having a contest at who could make the best toast.
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh that is very nice indeed, John!", Mary said.
The next day Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night with a toast about you Mary."
She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised meself! You know, he's only been there twice! Once he fell asleep and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come!"

Subject: Condoms

Imagine, if you will, that all the major retailers started making their own
condoms but kept the same tag-lines...
Sainsburys condoms - making life taste better
Tesco Condoms - every little helps
Nike Condoms - Just do it
Peugeot Condoms - The ride of your life
Galaxy Condoms - Why have rubber when you can have silk
KFC Condoms - Finger Licking good
Minstrels Condoms - melt in your mouth, not in your hand
Safeway Condoms - Lightening the load
Abbey National Condoms - because life is complicated enough
Coco Cola Condoms - The real thing
Ever Ready Condoms - keep going and going
Macintosh Condoms - It does more, it costs less, it's that simple
Pringles Condoms - once you pop, you can't stop
Burger King Condoms - Home of the Whopper
Goodyear Condoms - "for a longer ride, go wide"
FCUK Condoms - no comment required
Muller light condoms - so much pleasure, but where's the pain?
Flash Condoms - Just sit back, relax and let flash do all the hard work
Halford Condoms - we go the extra mile
Royal Mail Condoms - I saw this and thought of you
Andrex Condoms - Soft, strong and very very long
Renault Condoms - size really does matter!
Ronseal condoms - does exactly what it says on the tin
Ronseal quick-drying condoms - its dry and waterproof in about 30 minutes
Domestos Condoms - gets right under the rim!!
Heineken Condoms - reaches parts that other condoms just cannot reach
Carlsberg Condoms - probably the best condom in the world
Mars Condoms - a condom a day helps you work rest and play
AA Condoms - for the 4th emergency service
Pepperoni Condoms - its a bit of an animal
Polo Condoms - the condom with the hole!! (VERY poor seller !!)

This guy is flying down the road and he comes over the top of this bridge.
Sure enough, on the other side there's a cop with a radar gun. The cop pulls the guy over, walks up to the biker and asks ''What's the hurry?''
The biker replies, ''I'm late for work.''
''Oh yeah?'' says the cop. ''What do you do for a living?''
The guy says, ''I'm a rectum stretcher''.
The cop says,''A rectum stretcher? what does a rectum stretcher do for a living?''
The biker says ''Well, I start with one finger then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then my whole hand, then work it until I can get both hands in there, and then slowly stretch it until it's about six feet wide.''
''What on earth do you do with a six foot asshole?'' the copper asks.
The biker replies ''You give him a radar gun and park him on a bridge.''

Subject: Teenagers

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final
exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there
tomorrow.

I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or
illness, or a death in your immediate family - but that's it, no other
excuses whatsoever!"

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks,
"What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and
utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and
snickering.

When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the
student, shakes her head, and sweetly says,
"Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

Subject: Heaven

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the
other of the afterlife. The woman's biggest fear was that there was no
Heaven. After a long life the husband was the first to go and true to his
word he made contact.
"Mary... Mary.... "
"Is that you Fred?"
"Yes, I have come back like we agreed."
"What is it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, I have sex, I
bathe in the sun, then I have sex-twice, I have lunch, then sex pretty much
all afternoon-supper-then sex till late at night, sleep then start all over
again."
"Oh Fred you surely must be in Heaven."
"Hell no. I'm a rabbit in Kansas."

This is voted as the best e-mail joke in Australia in 2001. Hope you enjoy it.

After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis. They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together. Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix up at the boarding gate, and the man was told he would have to wait for a later flight. He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the airline was not responsible for the problem and it would do no good to complain.

Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami Beach was having a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattle's was cold. The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned. He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off, and quickly sent his wife an e-mail, but due to his haste, he made an error in the e-mail address.

His message therefore arrived at the home of an elderly preacher's wife whose even older husband had died only the day before. When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead. Her family rushed to her room where they saw this message on the screen:

Dearest wife,

Departed yesterday as you know. Just now got checked in. Some confusion at the gate. Appeal was denied. Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow.

Your loving husband.

P.S. Things are not as we thought. You're going to be surprised at how hot it is down here.

A renowned heart surgeon in LA died. The funeral was lavish, with the coffin placed in front of a mammoth heart replica. As the minister finished with the eulogy, there was barely a dry eye in the room.

At the end of the service, the heart opened and the coffin slowly rolled inside. At that moment one of the mourners was having serious difficulty stifling the giggles. The guy next to him, a good friend of the deceased asked, "Why are you laughing?"

"I don't mean any disrespect. I was just thinking about my own funeral," the man replied.

"What's so funny about that?"

"I'm a gynecologist!"

A woman walks into a bar and after a few minutes she notices an incredibly good looking young guy watching her from across the room. Shortly afterwards he approaches her, leans over and seductively whispers in her ear "For £100 I'll do anything for you". She looks at the guy, thinks for a while, and then puts £100 and a piece of paper in his hand. She then leans over and whispers, equally seductively, "That's my address, you can go and clean my house!!".

(Annya)

It seems the US Federal Aviation Administration has a unique device for testing the strength of windshields on aeroplanes. Thed evice is a gun that launches a dead chicken at a plane's windshield at approximately the speed the plane flies.

The theory is that if the windshield doesn't crack from the carcass impact, it'll survive a real collision with a bird during flight. It seems the British were very interested in this and wanted to test a windshield on a brand new, speedy locomotive they were developing.

They borrowed the FAA's chicken launcher, loaded the chicken and fired. The ballistic chicken shattered the windshield, went through the engineer's chair, broke an instrument panel and embedded itself in the back wall of the engine cab. The British were stunned and asked the FAA to recheck the test to see if everything was done correctly. The FAA reviewed the test thoroughly and had one recommendation:

"Use a thawed chicken."

(Nige, Centre 16)

A man has a dog that snores in his sleep. Annoyed, because she can't sleep, his wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.

A few hours after going to bed, the dog is snoring as usual. Finally, unable to sleep, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon and ties it around the dog's testicles, and sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed!

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring very loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him!

The woman sleeps very soundly.
The next morning, the husband wakes up very hung over.
He tumbles into the bathroom to urinate. As he is standing in front of the toilet, he looks in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates.

He is very confused, and, as he walks back into the bedroom, he notices a red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.

He shakes his head, looks down at the dog and says:
"Boy, don't remember where we were or what we did, but, by God, we got first and second place!" 
(Nige, Centre 16)